2. Love the LORD with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength
3. Learn different skills necessary to serve my family and other people (be a well-rounded woman)
4. Be a 'full-time' Bible student
5. Be a virtuous handmaid of the Lord
6. Build a family loving and serving the Lord and help others build the same.
Looking at these lifetime goals I have set for myself, sometimes I wonder why I have a great desire to pursue them. All my life, I have been living in an environment that desires to materially successful. I am a career woman. Everyday I hear from our professors that we'll be rich this way or that way...that studying in such a school offers us lots of opportunities in the field. My classmates want to be rich. Rich professors strive to get richer. Everyone dreams of having a high-paying job, building huge mansions, buying expensive cars, and living a comfortable life.
I, too, dreamed of having them. I wanted to show both believers and unbelievers who have constantly ridiculed those who serve the Lord, that Christian workers can also be materially prosperous. I did not want them saying serving the Lord offers no benefit, that it's only an excuse of getting money from people. Even though I were not planning to marry a pastor or a missionary, I did not want them forbidding me to marry one because I would become poor. Well, I did not want to become poor. All the more, I were proud enough to ask help from other people, especially when it's about money.
But recently I feel like losing my interest with a huge mansion, a good career, and other life's pleasures and indulgences. Yes, it's nice to have them but talking so much about them, working hard for them, striving so hard to get them, like achieving such pleasures is only what life is all about, doesn't make any sense to me. A loved one recently told me that his mother's life is now worthless because she's old enough and her children already had their own stable lives. He added that he can as well die after his children graduate and well, finish paying his life plan insurance so that his loved ones would no longer worry about the expenses for his funeral.
"Is this what life is really all about?" I thought. Waking up. Eating. Buying clothes. Studying. Working. Marrying. Having children. Dying.
What's the point then of being a Christian? Preachers continually say that we should live for Christ and serve Him while we may, but why does it feel like Christianity is merely a social or interest club? Why does it feel like Christian service is just an extra, a spice to enjoy life better? Why do they think working extra for the Lord means sacrifice?
I myself am not an exception. While it is my desire to be close to Him, while I have already committed one day to surrender my life to Him, I know most of the time I still fail to love Him with all my heart. Most of the time I'm still fooled by my deceitful and wicked heart. While I have said a million times I want His will to be done in my life, I know at the back of my mind, I oft find it hard to imagine myself seeing the ones I know before saying, "Where did all your education and hard work go?" "Your parents wasted their money and effort just to have you finish college." "Where is your god?" "Isn't Christian service just an excuse for not being successful in your life?" It's even weirder to think how I actually imagine of being a virtuous servant of God. No particular career. But I want to spend my life glorifying the Lord. I mean, how is that possible? With my wicked life? Why am I even desiring to be with Him? Why do I even enjoy studying in the Bible school? Why do I even want to study full time there? Why do I want to learn everything I could so that I could help in any ministry? Everyone expects me to be something. I don't know but right now I just want to be a virtuous woman for the Lord--not a master teacher, not a high-paying professor, not a principal. Maybe I could work but my primary goal is to be someone who loves the Lord and others, someone who serves the Lord and others. Perhaps it's because God's Word tells us to put Him first in our lives. But shouldn't every Christian feel this way?
I feel like everything in this world is vain. Without God, my life will also be in vain. I do not plan to be a missionary, a pastor's wife, nor a missionary's wife. Just a worker who does everything she can for the Lord. Just a Christian worker who is Christ-like and loves the Lord. You know, just like Daniel and Esther. I don't what awaits me with this desire. I feel so burdened, I really want this in my life but I don't want to make decisions based on my feelings. I'm the worst Christian but I want to be better by His grace. I want to have godly friends who would completely understand me. I truly desire to be close with those who share my desire. I believe I need friends who will understand me, encourage me and pray for me as I encourage and pray for them as well. I pray that God would give me these friends. I pray that I would make the wisest decisions by God's grace. I pray that He be the first priority in my life. I pray that He give me a deep burden for others so that I may think of them rather than myself. I pray that Jesus would be my best friend for ever.
Not a genie.
A best friend.
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Disclaimer: can't remember where I got it but it's not mine |
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